Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Walking through
An urban wasteland, the bus awaits
Let me see something beautiful, hopeful
Kiss my eyes and ears, world, with your majesty
I glance about seeing if anyone else
Notices the wonderful details hiding everywhere
"Go!" I want to tell them... Go and live and see life and love everywhere.

Love Point - Mazes - Love Point

The above is a "love point", a bit of punctuation proposed by some french guy in the 1960's but never really used anywhere.

I absolutely love it, though. I mean, it's perfect. Two people's confusion meeting on a single point to create something beautiful.


Weary worrisome wandering... curious, concerened, confused... I walk through this minoan madman's masterpeice fearing frightening ferocious battering bulls. Lost, lonely, laughless I seek something special, for at the center of the maddening motherfucking maze... You await.

I'd face bulls and kings and impossible mazes for you. I can't always help, but I always want to.


We're both messes. Both all questions and few answers. We both get confused.
Reminds me of the love point.

Friday, March 27, 2009


Lately I've been reading Creating Passionate Users, a blog about software and product design. It's very interesting. It's also taught me, oddly enough, about game design in some ways (which is appropriate, since I found it on anyway).
In particular, this image seems to apply to Simulationists, particularly those enjoying illusionistic play.
Also of interest is this post about creating a user community. I've always said that what I'm trying to do, RPG wise, is not create a single good game but to effect a community.
You may wonder why I'm saying this here and not on my game blog; I think this is a very interesting site, and people should go check it out. There's no new content, but there's enough of a backlog.
This picture is from CPU, as well, and it's all thanks to them. It's not mine, I'm just using it to show my point.

The Girl Behind The Counter

There's a girl I'll see tonight; I wish I knew why she captivates me.
She's no model; short and a bit plump, with blemished skin - her shoulders, she says, are horrible.
I don't even know her well; we aren't friends, we just work together.
Her razor wit cuts me, but I feel no pain; I return the favor and she laughs.
She reads while she works; silly stories about people who become animals, and books on clean living.
She's proud of her choice, almost defiant; loyal and strong.

She's my favorite co-worker, and I love her in a way I feel about few others.

The boy with the red ribbons wrapped 'round arms. He inspires me, and I him. He was the first, truly, and I hope he'll be the last.
The girl, so beautiful; there's a part of her that wants me, I think, but she doesn't need me. Sometimes I wish she did.

These are the people that inspire me and give me the hope to carry on. This, I suppose, is why I love them; higher than any other reason, it is the simple joy of knowing them.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

10 Things I Learned From The Internet In General

10 - No matter how bizarre, strange, disgusting, or otherwise unusual something is on the internet... you can easily find something to top it.
9 - Most people are DJs.
8 - SPlng + gramma issssssss owlways ahp2ional.
7 - If you're critical of the information received, the internet can actually be useful for gathering information.
6 - Everybody (including groups, organizations, and fictional people) has a website, or something close to it (blogs, myspace, etc... count here).
5 - Anything can be downloaded for free. Even a t-shirt.
4 - Email is one of the least-reliable communication methods ever.
3 - Someone, somewhere wants to see pictures of you naked. Even if you're fat and ugly like me.
2 - There are some pretty cool folks on the internet.
1 - Cats (sometimes dogs) in cute poses (with or without text) will always have a favorable result.

10 Things I Learned About Meeting People Online

This is from personal experience. Note that it doesn't apply to anyone who might read this (except #1). I'm gonna mention ladies here, since that is my preference, but guys are the same. I'm not trying to be sexist.

10 - Most people expect more than they should. Nobody's perfect, gals... look for something good and don't let go when you find it.
9 - If you put up a personal ad, some people won't bother actually reading it. They'll then get upset with you when something comes up that you mentioned in the ad.
8 - Some of the folks you meet, while appearing to be perfectly normal, will turn out to be bat-shit insane.
7 - Some ladies are really 80 year old indian scammers.
6 - Most of the people you talk to, you won't hear from again. Unless you make an effort to stay in touch, which may lead to coming off as a creep.
5 - Again, nobody's perfect. If something seems too good to be true, it might just be.
4 - Spam. You will get spam.
3 - Sometimes you actually meet decent people.
2 - Everyone has secrets.
1 - Don't fall in love. Once you do it's nearly impossible to break out of it.

Anyone have their own to add?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

1PM Mass

He is bared of his lies and his secrets, stripped down to flesh and soul.
No priest today and only a single man makes up the congregation.
He sings modern hymns and keeps a sermon on life in his head as the holy water washes over him, cleansing him of his sins.
Then he takes the sacrement into his hands, and places it upon his head, and rinses it out in holy water... washing away the sins and wrongs and dirtiness of yesterday.

Then he steps out, born again or close enough, and wraps himself in linens like a newborn infant.

God is everywhere.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Good Day?

Just wanted to let you all know I had a pretty good day.

Went to doctors with mom, lunch around east side, school to drop off papers, and back home.

It was a nice adventure. Now I'm hanging around my house before I've got to go to work.

The rest of the week doesn't look so good, but I might hang out with Ms. Adverbs friday and I might hang out with Mr. Wislyn on saturday.

Of course, I might not get to do either of those things, which'd make me a sad puppy.

Last but not least, at my mom's doctors, there was the cutest picture ever. It had a clothesline, and hanging from the clothesline were socks, and in the socks were kittens.

Ash, you should've seen it! You'd've loved the pic.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Sickness Most Vile

I'm ill with a sickness. It won't kill me but there's no cure. It fevers my sleep and pains my days, but it provides me with glimpses of perfection I'd never get if I were well. It's a hunger, a desire, a powerful mixture of pain and pleasure.

It's killing me, but I won't die.

Maybe the april showers will cool my burning heart, because this love is too painful.

I keep trying to fight it off, but I still feel it and I still want.

I wish I could stop being in love.

A New Day, A Big Change, What Am I? What Am I Doing?

I don't really know if anyone's reading this anymore. But I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I need to change things. I don't really know how, but realizing that things need to change is an important first step.

There comes a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious,
makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part, you can’t even passively
take part; and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels,
upon all the apparatus, and you’ve got to make it stop, And you’ve got to
indicate to the people who run it, the people who own it, that unless you’re
free the machine will be prevented from working at all.

Back in 1964 when Mario Savio said this powerful words, they meant something quite different then what they're meaning to me now.

But the idea is the same - the machine of my life has become sickening and I must push upon it and stop it. Not even stop it, but reverse it's direction.

To that end I have figured out four main points I need to accomplish.

  • 1: Maintain my work and school excellence.
  • 2: Do something creative or constructive or both everyday.
  • 3: Involve myself in new hobbies/crafts/activities.
  • 4:Make more friends.
  • 4a: Start a relationship in the sense of girlfriend-boyfriend.

These are ordered in level if diffuculty as I see it. 1 is not a problem at all. 2... I usually do. 3... well, I've been writing more. And I'm thinking about learning to play guitar (Mrs. Sprout-Bean, if you read this, we are starting a band. Even if we suck at it.). 4... I don't even know where to start. I've tried talking to people, especially around my school, but it never seems to go anywhere. I'm trying.

Last but not least, I've taken up a new moniker you may see around... The Anti-Sinecurist. A sinecurist is "A position or office that requires little or no work but provides a salary". In other words a paid position doing nothing. An anti-sinecurist, then, is someone who does something that requires some or a lot of work but is not being paid for it... in my case as a labor of love. It describes why I do pretty much anything outside of my official job, and also my dislike of corperate culture.

I'm mainly using it over at Everything2, where I've begun writing as the fancy strikes me, although I also have an AIM/email account in the name. I may use it in other places, too.

Anyhow, if any of my readers (the two I know of or any lukers there may be) have any advice, please put it here in a comment. No man is an island, and I'll greatly appreciate any help I might recieve.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Due Apologies

I was dumb earlier. To my readers I apologize for my post. To the person it involved, I apologize deeply for my behavior.

By way of explanation, I was feeling very ill - sleep deprived, hungry, dehydrated, and more.
And lonely. I'm tired of being lonely and used by my so-called friends. I'm tired of nobody wanting to know me.

And to my regular readers (As and Al, you know) this is not you. These are other people I'm talking about.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, though. I'm trying. I'm trying to make my life better but I can't do it alone... and I'm not sure anyone wants to be around me.

But I'm going to keep trying. Life and love... they are perseverance and patience.

Goodnight and God bless to any who read this.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

March, march, march unto the void - for I am torn.

I'm not really sure why I'm putting this up, because only two people (as far as I know) even ever read this. One of them will have no clue what I mean, and the other will - and that's not good in either case. Still, I need to get it out.

You see, I want what I can't have... and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop. I'm really, really trying not to care, not to want, not to even think of it. But still I do. It's maddening. I feel like an obsessive creep. I am an obsessive creep, and I need to stop.

But I can't, at least not yet. I'm trying not to, though. And I'm really sorry. I should respect people's wishes and not be so selfish.

March, march, march, I march right into my grave.

Ugh... To my readership, I'm quite sorry for wasting your pixels with this nonsense, but I needed to get it out. I hate emotions, I hate caring, I hate love.

I just don't know what to do.

P.S.: Song of the day (lifetime?) is "Not The Sun" by Brand New. For reasons that should be obvious to people who listen to Brand New, which I think is neither of you.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Window Wednesdays 1

I had a pretty good day today. I woke up around 10:30, lounged in bed for a bit, read, ate lunch, read some more, showered, and went to the mall with my mom. It was an adventure.

First she picked up her new glasses. She didn't like them very much.

Then we went to Starbucks and got drinks (she did like those very much, as did I).

Then, and here's the crazy bit, we walked by the T-Mobile kiosk. The guys there have no soul, calling out to us relentlessly every time we pass. But this time they talked us into signing up for a plan.

We also got new phones out of the deal, which is what sparked this post. You see, I now own a camera phone. Which means I've been madly taking pictures since.

After the T-Mobile store we stopped in Sears looking for a car-stereo-harness. We didn't find one, and the guy working there was quite rude.

So we went to Best Buy and got the harness and also a cable to connect the new phones to the computer (to transfer pictures and so on).

Now, you may be wondering where the "Window" part comes in. That's window as in "window into my life", and it's an obvious rip-off of Sprout & Bean's much better Snapshot Sundays.

Sorry for the crappy qualities folks, as I used a phone and not a camera.

Anyhow, after Best Buy we went to...

After S&S I came home and played around with my phone.

Buddy seemed intrigued by this new device...

However, he soon laid down and lost interest.

After taking pictures of my super-cute dog, I then decided to take a picture of this decidedly less-cute guy.

I've been reading this lately. It's very good, although it seems like a lot of the stories involve water.

I got a message on MySpace! Which was surprisingly exciting.

I also got an IM, which was a bit less exciting, but still nice.

I realized just how messy my room is...

Even if I do put cool special effects on it. (Note to self: If you ever make a horror movie, make it look like this.)

I began reading this awesome thread on Story Games. I'd go into detail, but it'd bore a large percentage of the people who might read this. Still, I'd like to give credit to Buzz, who's post here really excited me...

as well as Ian, who started the thread.

After surfing the net, I opened up Full Light, Full Steam to read. I cannot understate it's awesomeness.

Finally, my arm got frozen in carbonite. I guess even a good day has it's bad points...

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Three Helpers (Embodied in Love and Night)

Tonight I was visited
Like Scrooge
By three ghosts, not yet dead...

Their words appeared
Like apparitions
Upon a pixel wall...

Before I questioned,
Like a constant questing king
And maybe tomorrow I'll question again...

But for today
Like a hardworking man in his sleep
I am content and I rest happy

The strange things they said to me,
Like "Thanks for being a good friend"
And "I wouldn't have survived without you"

And more than that, simpler things
Like "I know man ur a true friend"
These things meant so much

I felt as though I were in a nightmare,
Like Scrooge
Until the spoke to me and I awakened into a dream

They made me ask... they made me think... they made me happy.

God damn, is this what I am?

It's a pretty damn good thing to be.