Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Huddled Masses

Huddled masses and and wretched refuse indeed. So many people, in the heat, often unwashed and / or oversized. The smell at times overwhelming.

The rude youth, a stereotypical "ghetto" man with a sense of style, calls to a friend on the sidewalk - loud, obnoxious.

Then, later... a woman gets on. No seats, the youth stands without hesitation.

Sometimes people are dirty. Sometimes they're clean. Sometimes they're rude, and sometimes kind.

But mostly? People are just people.


The heat and smell and dirt created a strange contrast with the beautiful, serene blossom shreds falling to the ground.

I was reminded of the dichotomy of blood dripping off an ancestral blade on a background of sakura blooms - in the eastern style.

I contemplated the ways of the samurai - the words of Hagakure - "A samurai should make all his decisions in the space of seven breaths.".

When I got home, bolstered by my new resolve, I got only to six breaths... then I called her.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Stupid Useless Love

I hate the way you vanish when we talk - but I love it.
It's cute and endearing and scary and frustrating all at once.

I love the way your hair frames your face.
I love the way we used to talk - and I hate that it seems like we don't really talk anymore, not like we used to.

I hate the walls I feel between us - some natural, some man-made, and some (I'm sure) imagined only in my head.

I hate that I can't get you out of my heart or head, that no one I meet or talk to or just see walking around... none of them get stuck with me the way you have.

I love that I've met you, and I cherish every moment you're around...

Sometimes, though, you just feel like punching someone and other times you wanna hug them, ya know?

Friday, April 10, 2009


For some time now, I've had a strange fascination with sex and sexuality - not actually doing anything, mind, as I've got no luck in that department, but thinking.

The vast array of sexual behavior amazes me. The way it interacts with history, the way people have and still do marginalize it and try to hide it. The way that people can be so easily defined by what they do, by even a small thing.

The different things people will try, some of them quite stupid. All catch my attention.
I spent a half hour last night reading a blog. About condoms.
I think amatuer porn is wonderful. Erotica is better, even if it is crappily written.
I spent 25 minutes tonight reading about sexual slang. Words can be so interesting.

I don't think I'm a pervert, but I'm... something. Now I just need to find a way to match my level of theory with my level of practice and I'll be golden!


(This one's kinda long, but I like it. It's got the allusions and references I love so much. How many can you recognize? Hah... Also, it's helped me clear my mind. Read and enjoy, people of the world.)

I went walking by the river and I called to some friends...
And as I walked through the city they met up with me one by one.

First Johnny M came to see me, and he told me not to fall in love. He told me about the orange leaves hitting the ground and where to watch for snakes and worms. He told me about the evils of censorship, but the five-o put out an APB on him and he went and hid 'round the corner and I never saw him again - I heard his kidneys crapped him when he drank too much wine.

So then I called up Nicky - his name was Leo but we called him Nicky - and he came and met me and told me 'bout the kingdom and rebellion and follies of the heart. He told me about his home, and he told me about war and he told me about peace... Martin and some Indian walked with us and heard Nicky's words... He told me about leaving his family, his money, his home - it hurt him, but he knew he had to. But he slipped on the ice by the river and fell in and by the time we fished him out his lungs were gone.

(Marty and the Indian (I think his name was Moe) went off back home and left me all alone, but I heard they woulda made old Nicky proud.)

Then my buddy Phil from years ago, I saw him on a corner. He told me there was no kingdom, told me 'bout the republic and how we need to work here and now. He told me not to be afraid of love, he told me 'bout marzipan. He said Johnny was wrong, and maybe Nicky too, but I don't think he hated 'em... Just didn't agree. He spoke to the kids and he spoke to the old folks, and he told us to make stories of our lives. 'course, he was a busy man, and he had to go home to finish his book.

Towards the end of the night and the end of the river, as I came upon the Narragansett bay (where I heard there'd be some folks skinny-dipping, strange as it sounds), I realized I wasn't alone. Someone was followin' me, singin' all rough and handsome. I couldn't recognize the voice, but the stories told me it was Finn... He told me what to celebrate, 'bout redemption and resurrection and staying positive.

I walked home past the townies and the hood rats and I knew that I couldn't be afraid of love, but I couldn't let it hurt me either. I'll never stop loving, but I can stop wanting.

Johnny and Nicky told me not to love, and that clever kid - I think he said to love too much. But Phil, I think Phil had it right when he told me about two different parks and the rise of man. He reminded me of the flight of a woodpigeon and talking two walks in two different cities.

He reminded me that love is stronger than want.

Ring, ring

I hate talking on the phone. I can never hear people.

That is all.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Anthropomorphia 1

(This [unlike many of my works] is not about any real person. Instead it's the first of [what I hope will be] an ongoing series about the personification of abstract things - or at least non-human ones.)

I tell him about how I couldn't live without her.
How she fills me up, lifts me out of the waters that drown me.
I tell him about how good it is to pull her to me after too long apart.
I tell him about how I burn when she's away.
How I hurt when she's away.
I tell him about how she gives me energy.
Gives me hope.
Helps me go on in life.
I tell him how some people appreciate her, and some take her for granted...
And I tell him that everyone who knows her needs her.

He asks me who's so special to me. Why do I feel this way?
What is her name?

I tell him: "She is Breath"


So, yeah, I kind of said some pretty mean stuff to someone I care about.

I'm sure we've all been in similiar situations, but I just want to say to everyone two things...
1) Think twice before you say anything horrible to someone you care about.
2) If someone you care about says something mean to you, look at it from their point of view - they probably aren't trying to be a dick.

I'm trying to figure out all this "life" and "growing up" and "romance" and "freindships" things with all the people in my life. I ain't perfect folks... if I'm being dumb, people, tell me.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

No one near me

Why is it that no one can be around me?
I make a plan to see my best friend. He tries to kill himself.
I make a plan to see my favorite girl ever. She gets sick.
I make a plan to see my grandmother. She has a stroke.

I make people unwell. Great.
Well, I guess it's a good thing no one really wants to be around me. The people around me suffer.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Anywhere's a better place to be

(Paradoxically, she reminds me of both the bar maid and the woman at the diner)

Another night of screaming. Another argument. More painful words that no one means.

I don't want to be here. I want to be anywhere else tonight.

No. I know where I want to be.
I want to be with her. I want to hold her close and feel her heartbeat and hear her amazing, intoxicating voice whisper "goodnight"... I want to fall asleep in her arms and wake up, far earlier than we should, to sit at her window and watch the sun rise together.

More than anywhere else, that is where I want to be.

Friday, April 3, 2009

WTF Is Wrong With US?

Uranium has been researched seriously for about 70 years.
In ten years we spent more money than the entire economic output of the 19th century and managed to create the fission bombs. Weapons we won't use. Can't use.

We spent a massive amount of money for a threat. A threat that "Don't do that, or you'll get the same.".

Yet 70 years later we still haven't come up with a better way of curing cancer. We also use uranium for cancer cures, yet we've spent far less money. Which means it's taken far more time.

We live in a world - a country - where our efforts and resources are put towards unusable threats rather than saving lives.

What is wrong with us - and how do we fix it?

(Mad Props to The Daily Show for making me aware of this disparity. They're funny, but they do manage to make things clear sometimes.)

No Regrets

READ THIS: You Won't Regret It at CPU

Now think about it.

I need to live my life with no regrets. I'm trying. You should too.

Look at the following questions:

(1) Will I regret it if I date this person?
(2) Will I regret not dating this person?
(1) Will I regret it if I'm friends with this person?
(2) Will I regret it if I'm not friends with this person?
(1) Will I regret talking to this person?
(2) Will I regret not talking to this person?
(1) Will I regret eating this?
(2) Will I regret not eating this?
(1) Will I regret going to this place?
(2) Will I regret not going to this place?

If you answered YES to any of the (1) questions, DON'T DO IT.
If you answered YES to any of the (2) questions, DO IT.

There are exceptions, of course, but... live your life with no regrets.
Think about these things. Both of you - and any other readers. Please do.

More specifically, answer the question posed in that post:

Are there things you wish you'd do a better job of saying yes to, despite whatever perfectly sound reasons you have for saying no?

Ask yourself that question. Feel free to put the answer here. Please do, in fact.

Notre-Dame (A Neil Young Jam)

To anyone who reads this. Please read the whole thing. I know it's a lot, but if you start - finish.

(I'm sorry, miss. I'm sorry I keep talking about this and bringing it up. But it's bad tonight. I need to let this out, and this is the place I use to let shit out about my life. If this being here bothers you, let me know. I'll take it down.)

For the crown of our life as it closes
is darkness, the fruit thereof dust;
No thorns go as deep as a rose's,
and love is more cruel than lust.

I have a serious problem. You see, there's this girl. And I'm absolutely crazy about her. But on the other hand she makes me crazy. It's funny how one word can mean two different things.

Since I've met her, I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I knew that before I even knew what she looked like. It's not even about a physical attraction, even though she is the most beautiful woman I've ever met.

But she confuses me...

She loves me, but she doesn't feel... "something" for me. "Something" required for a relationship.

She says she doesn't deserve me, that she's not good enough. But I know she wouldn't settle for anything less than me. So if she's good enough for someone better than me, how is she not good enough for me?

She says she's afraid she'll sleep with someone else. But that wouldn't be a problem with someone else?

And she says she's afraid she'll hurt me. The cruel irony is that being without her hurts more than anything she could do.

And I'm not mad at her. I'm really, genuinely happy when she meets a nice guy...
But there's a part of me that can't envision dating anyone else.

I mean, I could meet other girls. I have met other girls... and... They just don't feel the same to me. None of them affect me nearly as much as she does.

And it's not even about sleeping with her. It's a non-issue. Because I don't dream about having sex with her.

I dream about giving her flowers, about cuddling with her and dancing with her, about exploring the world with her, about having a family with her, about writing poetry for her, about... so much. So, so much.

My religious side tells me that it's wrong to be greedy, wrong to want what I can't have. That it's sinful to desire someone, anyone over everything else.

In Milton's "Paradise Lost", Adam isn't tempted by Eve to sin. He chooses her. He choose sin and death and suffering for her. He disobeys his Father and is forced out of paradise and into a painful, working existence...

All for her. And I knew that I'd do the same thing for this girl.

I wish I just understood her. If the reason she didn't want me were because I were ugly, or dumb, or boring. I'd understand it. But there's no good reason.

She's so perfect and she doesn't know it, or doesn't accept it.

I guess in the end I have to put her happiness ahead of mine, so I guess I hope she meets a really great guy. Someone who loves her just as much as I do, or more... and someone far better than me.

If any of you folks who happen to read this (2 regular readers, plus however many more ANON-folks) have any ideas or advice, please leave them here or send them to me or something. I could really use some help.

Thank you all for reading this. It does mean a lot that people out there are concerned about what I have to say.

(P.S.: The name refers to the Neil Young song "My Heart" and the Algernon Charles Swinburne's poem "Dolores (Notre-Dame des Sept Douleurs)", both of which are pretty appropriate to my mental state.)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Window Wednesdays 2

Hey, I've been away from the photo-day things... I didn't do much interesting today, but I do want to keep doing it for when I do start doing interesting things.
I woke up and had a blueberry muffin. I wanted to take a picture, but I ated it. So I just took a picture of the plate instead...
So then I made my bed. I'm not sure why I do it, but my parents insist. I don't know who's gonna see it... nobody really comes here, yaknow - so I took a picture to show ya'll.
I took a picture of these guys. I actually built them a few weeks ago and I've been meaning to grab a pic of them. Hope you enjoy, cause these guys are cute! I couldn't get a very good shot, though... :(
So then my dad brought home lunch for me and my mom (and him of course). We ate together, and he also brought me my shampoo (which I had run out of)... I don't actually have dandruff or anything, I just like the shampoo. I don't have to use my mom's (which makes my hair feel weird)... Yay!!!
So I decided to get some housework done. Namely the dishes.
Then I went looking for my best little bro. I couldn't find him anywhere, so I looked in my dad's room. There's my buddy lounging out like the laziest thing ever, like he owns the bed. He's PERFECT!
I've been thinking about family lately. About how messed up mine is... and about how I'd like to have a family of my own someday. I've been thinking about the kind of gal I'd like to marry, the kind of house I might live in, the way I'd be with my kids...
Anyhow, speaking of family, this is a welcome rug handmade by my uncle for my mom. It'd been in storage in our basement for a long time, and I'm not quite sure why she pulled it out, but... Here it is:
So then I got ready for (and went to) school. I'm in an "Introduction to Films" course, and it looks pretty interesting. I mean, having a class in a mini-movie theater is cool anyhow, so... We'll see how it goes!
After school I went online and looked at the interwebz, including this cool blog Ash introduced me to.
Then I had a cookie. This weird chocolate cookie biscuit things are kind of stale-ish, but not in a bad way. They're curiously tasty.
So, I hope you guys enjoyed the window into my Wednesday.
(And I know, technically, I posted this on Thursday. All the pictures were taken on Wednesday, though. So there!)

TED Is Pretty Awesome

So, a little while ago I posted a link to a fellow making some excellent music. From the same source (Recordings from the TED conferences), I've since found three other very interesting things. Please, enjoy:

Tracking Viruses in Animals and Developing Countries (Food for thought)
Some Really Cool Poetry (Ash, I think you'll particularly like this!)
And for the geeks out there: Wii Remote Hacks (This stuff is cool for everyone, though!)

Soft silly music is meaningful, magical

You all should watch this video. He tells some pretty cool stories, and his music is lovely, and I WANT HIS SUIT! It's so cool. Kind of geeky, but cool. I want it. On me. Now.

Just wanted to share something cool with my thousands of (two) adoring fans.

Bye now!

Edit: Helps if I post the LINK!