(I'm sorry, miss. I'm sorry I keep talking about this and bringing it up. But it's bad tonight. I need to let this out, and this is the place I use to let shit out about my life. If this being here bothers you, let me know. I'll take it down.)
For the crown of our life as it closes
is darkness, the fruit thereof dust;
No thorns go as deep as a rose's,
and love is more cruel than lust.
I have a serious problem. You see, there's this girl. And I'm absolutely crazy about her. But on the other hand she makes me crazy. It's funny how one word can mean two different things.
Since I've met her, I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I knew that before I even knew what she looked like. It's not even about a physical attraction, even though she is the most beautiful woman I've ever met.
But she confuses me...
She loves me, but she doesn't feel... "something" for me. "Something" required for a relationship.
She says she doesn't deserve me, that she's not good enough. But I know she wouldn't settle for anything less than me. So if she's good enough for someone better than me, how is she not good enough for me?
She says she's afraid she'll sleep with someone else. But that wouldn't be a problem with someone else?
And she says she's afraid she'll hurt me. The cruel irony is that being without her hurts more than anything she could do.
And I'm not mad at her. I'm really, genuinely happy when she meets a nice guy...
But there's a part of me that can't envision dating anyone else.
I mean, I could meet other girls. I have met other girls... and... They just don't feel the same to me. None of them affect me nearly as much as she does.
And it's not even about sleeping with her. It's a non-issue. Because I don't dream about having sex with her.
I dream about giving her flowers, about cuddling with her and dancing with her, about exploring the world with her, about having a family with her, about writing poetry for her, about... so much. So, so much.
My religious side tells me that it's wrong to be greedy, wrong to want what I can't have. That it's sinful to desire someone, anyone over everything else.
In Milton's "Paradise Lost", Adam isn't tempted by Eve to sin. He chooses her. He choose sin and death and suffering for her. He disobeys his Father and is forced out of paradise and into a painful, working existence...
All for her. And I knew that I'd do the same thing for this girl.
I wish I just understood her. If the reason she didn't want me were because I were ugly, or dumb, or boring. I'd understand it. But there's no good reason.
She's so perfect and she doesn't know it, or doesn't accept it.
I guess in the end I have to put her happiness ahead of mine, so I guess I hope she meets a really great guy. Someone who loves her just as much as I do, or more... and someone far better than me.
If any of you folks who happen to read this (2 regular readers, plus however many more ANON-folks) have any ideas or advice, please leave them here or send them to me or something. I could really use some help.
Thank you all for reading this. It does mean a lot that people out there are concerned about what I have to say.
(P.S.: The name refers to the Neil Young song "My Heart" and the Algernon Charles Swinburne's poem "Dolores (Notre-Dame des Sept Douleurs)", both of which are pretty appropriate to my mental state.)